The antidote to shame.

I left you last week wondering whether you'd recognise the post-resurrection me or in turn I you.  The feedback I had last week was encouraging and it genuinely boosted my belief that the Father was waking me out of my slumber.  Have you ever noticed though that during that fragile moment of birth and infancy there appears a voice, an opposition that would seek to snuff out what has been given life?

That voice isn't necessarily the accuser, the devil however, it does carry his DNA.  The voice I'm talking about is that inner voice called shame.  When you've made a mistake or been made to feel you've made a mistake you have to wrestle with feelings of guilt.  Shame is different, it acts in a more subtle but sinister way because shame says, 'You are a mistake.'   Guilt says you lied, shame declares you're a liar.  Guilt penetrates the heart, shame infects it leading to self-isolation and separation from sources of true love.

We've all been there, right?  We've said something in the heat of the moment and it's gotten back to the person we were bitching about.  We've been big enough to apologise and the apology has been accepted and yet for days and weeks we try and avoid them because we feel...ashamed!

Shame creates a cycle of life that can become self-perpetuating.  A negative experience leads us to negative beliefs about ourselves.  I know my decision to end my first marriage disappointed so many people but nothing could have prepared me for the impact of shame that made me believe that I am a disappointment.   Once that subtle knife had slipped into my psyche and diffused its poison I pulled up the draw-bridge and began the long season of self-isolation from people and even feelings of separation from Abba's love. 

The cycle doesn't end there though.  Negative experiences lead to negative beliefs which then set negative expectations (and the cycle returns back to the beginning).   Here we begin to make internal vows that set our next course of action.   What do I mean internal vows?  Generating from the sense of being a disappointment I vowed that I would never put myself in a position of feeling such vulnerability again.  Suddenly a negative belief about myself has mutated into a vow...a life-goal, an expectation.

"End this blog now...you're depressing us" I hear you cry!   I haven't written this to depress you.  I have written this because I want to show you how you can break the shackles of shame!

This morning I listened to my best friend read and speak on my life message (and favourite scripture) Luke 15 - the story of the lost son (or as my friend said today the lost sons).  A divine appointment I think.

The antidote to guilt is forgiveness.  Unfortunately forgiveness is ineffective against shame. No matter how many times you can be forgiven for a mistake the sense of shame can stay with you forever.

The antidote to shame is honour.  

There is a rabbinical saying, "A person's honour comes from their father."

A lost son, made a mistake, is a mistake, comes to his senses and returns home.  He secretly renegotiates his status and accepts the place of servant (literally an outside contractor).

His father on greeting his son, doesn't even listen to the son's words but just outrageously lavishes and restores him to the full status of a son again.  He honours his son with words and gifts, invites all the community to a banquet and sits the huge disappointment at the head of the table, as the guest of honour!

My antidote to shame this week is to replace (on a daily basis) my negative experience with a positive one - my Abba's love for me.  To replace negative beliefs about myself with positive one - that I am his beloved son - that I am not a disappointment but a guest of honour  in a divine celebration. Which leads to new positive expectations - no need to hide, to isolate...I can be me.